Unlocking the Secrets of Temper Tantrums: Behavior is a Window for Parenting Success
As a parent, it's frustrating and confusing to witness your child having a temper tantrum. It can be challenging to understand what is causing your child to behave in such a manner, especially when they are too young to articulate their feelings or when the cause is not immediately apparent. As a result, it can be easy to feel helpless or even overwhelmed in the moment. However, by understanding the underlying causes of temper tantrums, you can help your child through these challenging moments and, in time, minimize the frequency of such outbursts.
One of the primary frameworks I consider when navigating the difficulty of tantruming behavior is attachment. Attachment refers to the emotional bond that forms between a child and their primary caregiver, usually the parent. This bond is crucial for a child's healthy development and helps to regulate their emotions and behaviors. When a child feels disconnected, or is feeling insecure in their attachment, they can become easily overwhelmed and experience intense emotions. These big emotions often manifest in behavior. The key is recognizing that behavior isn’t the whole story, it’s simply a window into understanding what is really going on inside.
It's super easy to get caught up on the behavior a child is demonstrating. Often we feel compelled to discipline, redirect, give them a consequence, teach them a lesson, what have you. The problem is, when our children are off the rails, they aren’t in the part of their brain that allows them to learn. Chances are, in the midst of a tantrum, your child is in their downstairs brain, the primitive part of the brain in charge of survival that compels us to fight, freeze or flee. When in this part of the brain, there is no learning. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch.
So, if we want to teach out child that lesson, we must first help them regulate. Once regulated, they can re-access their “upstairs brain,” or, their prefrontal cortex, and then we can sort out the lessons that need to be learned. So, how do we help them regulate?
When your child is losing it and is in the midst of a full blown tantrum, your A number 1 job is to stay calm. A dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child. If you escalate, your child will only further escalate. So, first things first, take a breath. You need to be able to be present with your child amidst their big emotions, letting them know that no matter how big, hairy and scary those feelings are, they are manageable TO YOU. If you seem scared, or overwhelmed or frustrated by their big feelings, it will only exacerbate how scary and overwhelming those feelings are for your child, further perpetuating their out of control behavior.
Next, perspective. This is huge. If you are looking at your child amidst their messy tantrum, and you’re viewing them as an a**hole, they are going to feel that. However, if you’re looking at them as a good kid, who’s having a hard time, that’s an entirely different perspective. And it’s going to create an entirely different feeling of presence, one that actually allows for connection. So, the next time your child freaks out on you and goes into a full blown meltdown, keep in mind that they are a good kid having a hard time, not a bad kid, doing bad things.
Finally, empathy and validation. Just think, for one hot second, how you feel about yourself when you behave badly? Consider this scenario: You had a horrible day at work, got into a fender bender on the way home, the dog ate your work project that’s due the next day and your basement flooded. Your partner comes home and asks what’s for dinner and you go ballistic. Do you need your partner to say, “Look here, I do not appreciate that tone from you. That’s disrespectful and will not be tolerated. You go to your room right now and come out when you can behave appropriately!” Ummm, no. You don’t. You know you behaved badly. You know your blowup wasn’t about them. You don’t need them to tell you any of that. What you need is your partner to say something like, “Woah, baby. That was a big reaction. What’s going on? I love you. I’m here for you. How can I help.” Man, oh man, don’t our children deserve the same love, patience, connection and generosity?
If we can recognize that their big behaviors, such as tantrums or meltdowns, are a window into what’s really going in, not the whole story of what’s going on, and if we can see our kids through the lens that fundamentally, they are a good kid having a hard time, rather than a bad kid that’s just trying to make your life miserable, then we are far better equipped to be curious and compassionate with them. From there, we can offer empathy and validation of their experience, which allows for connection. And once they feel connected, they feel safe, which allows them to regulate their emotions.
Empathy and connection with a kiddo that’s melting down might sound like this, “Oh man, this is really tough. I know you didn’t want me to move your body. I can see that felt really icky to you. I understand. I’m sorry. I love you. I’m right here. I’m going to give you space but I’m going to stay near.” And then, you give them space, but stay near. Keep your body calm, regulate your breath, offer empathy and connection when they’re open to it, and don’t poke the dragon. By this I mean don’t launch into lessons, teaching, lectures, what have you. Your primary goal here is to help your child regulate, and your most effective path towards regulation is connection.
If you’re feeling stuck, please reach out. Our providers in Homer and Soldotna are here to help, and are trained in some of the most efficient and effective modalities available in the field today. We can’t change our past, but we can absolutely change the way the past impacts us in the present, and in so doing, write a new narrative for our future.
Now, go forth and raise good humans.