Resources for parents and families while on the waiting list of a child counselor: Podcasts with Dr. Becky Kennedy
Hello KPMH Fam,
Let’s just call a spade a spade; the waitlist struggle is real these days! I’m having conversations on the daily with people in Soldotna and Homer where I have to deliver the unfortunate news that we are weeks, and more recently, months out from being able to offer services to new and incoming clients. And we’re not the only ones! There is lots of need in many of our communities, and unfortunately, just not enough providers to take care of everyone. Quality professional child counselors are backed up to the gills with requests for help, and the wait required, when trying to get started in services, can be incredibly frustrating. I hear that, and as the owner of this business, I can tell you that I am working diligently to locate and hire the very best providers I can, so that they can care well for you!
In the mean time, however, I thought I would begin to offer some content that might help bridge the gap in the in between space. As an avid learner, I’m always looking for nuggets that resonate with me, or inspire me. Recently, I’ve come across the work of Dr. Becky Kennedy, and folks, she knows some things. Truly, her work integrates some of the best of the best in the field, and is incredibly consistent with what I teach my clients. I know your schedule is probably packed to the gills and the last thing you need is assigned reading, so instead of urging you to read her book (though if you can, you should) I’m going to do the heavy lifting for you.
I’m going to be offering you vetted podcasts and other resources, and outlining the moments that were the most impressionable for me. You might not be able to sit in the room with me or one of my clinicians for a few weeks yet, but I hope to be able to break down some concrete applicable nuggets that you can begin practicing today. Watch, Listen, and Learn.
As always, if you or someone you know is struggling with any of life’s complex emotional struggles and challenges, please feel free to direct them our way. The heart and soul of this whole operation is taking good care of people, and we would be honored to do this work alongside you.
This is a conversation between Mayim Bialik and Dr. Becky Kennedy. This podcast has lots of gems, but having reviewed Dr. Becky’s work pretty thoroughly, I’ve highlighted some points that really underpin the backbone of her Good Inside philosophy.
Marys Moments Of Impact:
“Kids feel more than any words, tone or intervention, they know whether their parent is looking at them as though they are a good kid having a hard time, or whether they’re a bad kid doing bad things. And that difference is what forms their identity and the role that they further identify with in their family.”
This is really the backbone of Dr. Becky’s work, and the name of her book, Good Inside. Her framework is built on the fundamental beleif that our children, even when showing us their most challenging behaviors, are fundamentally good kids having a hard time, rather than bad kids doing bad things. In her work, she encourages us to extend this generous perspective to our own selfs. Think, “I’m a good Mom and I lost my cool,” rather than, “I”m a terrible parent, I’m the worst.”
27:06 - “You can not learn to regulate a feeling you don’t allow yourself to have.”
One. More. Time, friends. “You can not learn to regulate feelings you don’t allow yourself to have.” Our kiddos need to feel all their feels. How else are they suppose to learn how to navigate them? The only adapative way out of the feeling is through it. Their job is to feel their feelings, our job is to hold space for those feelings, be present, and see them through the lens that they are a good kid, having a hard time. We all have a hard time sometimes, after all, don’t we?
28:36 - “Oh, you didn’t want that to happen.”
I’m mean, it is silly simple, but soooooo helpful. It says, “I see you. I hear you,” and best case scenario, I’m right here with you. The reality is, when we’re elbows deep in all the feels, we are not super interested in someone coming along and “fixing it." In fact, that doesn’t actually feel helpful at all. It usually causes us to dig our heels in deeper because we aren’t feeling adequately seen or heard. This strategy requires nothing fancy schmancy. Simply naming, “Oh, you didn’t want that to happen,” or “you weren’t expecting that to happen,” holding space, and being present. Think about if someone said this to you, with a tone of warmth and empathy. My bet is it would feel like an invitation to further process regarding your experience, which creates the opportunity for us to feel more connected and less alone amidst our big emotions. I mean, that wouldn’t suck, right?
29:07 - “Kids are always asking two fundamental questions, Am I real? Am I safe?”
Another core tenant of Dr. Becky’s work is the fundamental belief that raising good humans is done with boundaries, validation and empathy. She, along with lots of other brilliant minds in the field, believe that the constant interplay of these three things allows our children to feel real, and to feel safe. It might sound like this. “I see that you are feeling so upset right now. I get that. It’s hard when we don’t get what we want. And, I won’t let you take your brother’s toy from him. I love you, and I’m right here with you. We’re going to figure this out together.”
54:10 - “To me, the phrase that every parent needs in their vocabulary is “I won’t let you.” …”It’s not a consequence, I’m just going to be the boundary for you that you can’t be for yourself.”
I mean, I think she said it pretty dang sussinctly. This is so good, you guys. Our job is to hold the boundaries for our children. If they are flailing, they need a boundary. They need us to be strong, confident leaders that hold the line that keeps them, and others, safe, They need to know that the feelings and behaviors that feel so unmanagable to them, are not unmanagable for us. And that we are going to be right there to hold firm boundaries, with love kindness, that allows them to feel seen and safe. They need to know that we know that they are good kids, and that they’re just having a hard time.
Go forth, and raise good humans. We got this.
- Mary :)
*from the video description*
Dr. Becky Kennedy (clinical psychologist, founder of Good Inside parenting workshops, author) helps us use attachment, mindfulness, emotion regulation, and internal family systems theory to break down better ways to parent! She not only provides great, practical parenting tips, but also helps us understand our own upbringings, how they impact our lives into adulthood, and provides insight into why our parents did the things they did. Dr. Becky discusses why she found the best way to work with children was actually working with their parents through body-based approaches to psychotherapy, her own paradigm shift in parenting styles, and the differences between attachment parenting and helicopter parenting. She explains the importance of wiring kids for resilience with self-soothing techniques in order to ditch old patterns of behavior, building skills to manage emotions through validation, and how to provide kids with tools to process difficult emotions. Mayim and Dr. Becky define reflective listening, boundaries vs consequences, and how feeling alone can lead to shame and fears of abandonment. They discuss the benefits of learning to embody your authority as a parent, ways to provide structure to a child with anxiety, and the benefits of internal family systems (IFS) therapy. Mayim and Jonathan break down the benefits of cooking with your children.
Source: Mayim Bialik: https://www.facebook.com/MissMayim/